It’s been a while since I last sat down, worked through my thoughts and attempted to put them into words that form some sort of coherent meaning. The reason for this? Life has been such that I haven’t been able to form any real thought processes that have been coherent or decipherable in regards to what has taken place.

The old boy has continued on his path of chemotherapy. A path that is now becoming well trodden, yet, still all too rocky!

A few weeks back now he was supposed to have treatment. A Wednesday as per usual. However, I received a message from him informing me that he would not be going for treatment. The hospital had called and explained that his platelet count was too low. The consultant. Mr Top Dog. Wanted dad to have an extra week of rest.

Upon receiving said news, my reaction was an unfavourable one. This was not news that I was particularly pleased to receive. As, it meant to me that dad was not healthy enough to have treatment. Yet, dad said that he was happy and ok with it, as it would give him a mini hiatus from the treatment. It would allow him to recover more in between the chemotherapy to a further extent than he could normally.

When viewing it from that perspective. It was easier. Especially, taking into consideration some of the struggles that he had faced in the week or so previous.

Treatment the following week went ahead and he was provided with a new schedule that accounted for the missed week. Normal service resumed then.

He has also had a nuclear scan, as he has been suffering from certain symptoms that are not classified as particularly normal. The result of the scan. Received yesterday. Was that he has a severe malabsorption of bile taking place within his stomach. The consultant will be sending a prescription to try and get this under control.

Should said prescription alleviate the malabsorption issues. He will be in a good place health wise, all things considered. As the malabsorption issue is the main component at present that consistently causes him the most aggravation and in turn the most stress and upset.

Fingers crossed that the docs can get that sorted. I have faith in them. As so far, any issues that have arisen they have been able to make an effective diagnosis and in turn address the issue.

Further to the nuclear scan, he has had a CT scan. The halfway scan. The scan that will tell us how the treatment is going. If it is having a positive impact or otherwise. The scan is incredibly important in respects to what comes next. My gut feeling says that it will be good news. His physical condition signifies an improvement from where he was before this treatment began. Therefore, common sense would dictate a shrinkage or a halt in respect to growth.🤞

An awful lost has happened in the time between my last post and this. Some good times have been had and some times that have simply amplified the tumultuous nature of the ride that I am on at present.

Still. You have to attempt to move forward. Try to wade through the on-rushing tide, see through the fog that rarely seems to lift and come out on the other side. Even if it is only for a short while.

My mood and my head space seems to be inextricably linked to the well-being of my dad. If he is struggling and having a bad time of it. My mood and emotions seem to reflect that, on the inside, at least . I do my best to be positive, pragmatic and energised as much as possible.

The triple threat, that’s how I now refer to it, of dad, work and starting again relationship wise have been a melting pot of stress, emotion, frustration, self reflection and questions. A potent mix.

I find myself managing somehow to get through the days better than I did a few months back. Perhaps the ability to suppress has grown. Or living in the now has become more important and an acceptance around that has developed.

I do still drink too much at times. I have been more aware of that though and I’m trying to curb it. It may take the edge off at times but fundamentally it’s not facilitative emotionally, psychologically or physically in the long run.

One of the main difficulties with this whole situation is that we simply do not know what lies ahead in the months to come. Hopefully they will progress in the same way that the last few have. With dad slowly getting stronger and being physically more capable.

I have found myself at times searching for something. Although I do not know what that something is. It feels as if something is missing, something isn’t quite right, something just feels off. It’s a strange feeling and one that I do not know what to do with or how to go about addressing it at present. Hopefully that feeling will simply subside and disappear on its own. It would be nice if it takes the fog that refuses to lift and the in-coming tide of water with it as it leaves.

It is not all doom and gloom though. I am going on holiday. On my own. At the end of July. On an STA travel group holiday to go island hopping around Croatia. Accommodation is on a boat. I have gone for the on-deck en-suite cabin. After all, I’ve never slept on a boat before. The bathroom could well come in handy 🤢🤷‍♂️!!

I think il leave it at that. Finish on a positive. Until next time. Hopefully the next time will be sooner and be able to provide some good news.